Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Happiest Place on Earth

I just got back from Disney World. They call it the happiest place on earth? Why??? No, I really did have a good time, but it's a very different experience going as the mother. And, while I did enjoy seeing my kids meet Mickey Mouse and ride their first "roller coaster" (the kiddie coaster Barnstormer), the long lines, extreme heat, expensive food, and grumpy crowds did not have me thinking to myself, "WOW! This is the happiest place on earth!" What exactly would be the happiest place on earth?

First, and possibly most importantly, this place (we're going to call it Utopiatina) would be free of Yo Gabba Gabba. If you are not familiar with Yo Gabba Gabba, you are a better person for it. Do not Google it. Do not watch it on television. Do not allow your children to tell you about it. If someone approaches you and attempts to discuss this horrendous excuse for a television show, cover your ears and run screaming in the other direction. You'll thank me later. Second, Utopiatina does not have a Chinese buffet. I do not feel the need to explain this one. Yuck. In Utopiatina, eating raw vegetables and cottage cheese makes you painfully fat and ugly while eating chocolate, guacamole, and pizza makes you super-model pretty. All meetings are kept to under 2 hours. People who attempt to file lawsuits for ridiculous things (like getting burnt by hot coffee that did not say HOT on the cup) are exiled. Children do not whine. Delicious, nutritious dinners serve themselves promptly at 6:00, and husbands are never late because they got stuck on the phone at work. Little boys always love their mothers and never grow up to be embarrassed to be seen with them. Everyone is required to nap every day after lunch. Snack time and story time follow nap time every day. Gray hairs fall out when exposed to oxygen. We use the barter system. Babies sleep through the night from birth. Small victories are celebrated ("You cleaned all 3 bathrooms today??? Fireworks! Margaritas all around!") Minivans come equipped with privacy screens like in limousines that separate the front seats from the back ones (where the noisy children sit). The weather is a constant 65 at night and 75 during the day. People do not use the term bemused to mean amused. And Winnie the Pooh still plays with Christopher Robin.

Would you like to live in Utopiatina too?

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